After one of the bloodiest shootout/gasoline fight/bumper car showdowns I’ve ever seen… I am here to declare that Halloween movie #17 — The New Kids is a teen horror-thriller masterpiece.
It stars Lori Loughlin (perhaps best known as Aunt Becky from Full House) and the ever-reliable (and horrifying) James Spader.
Sure, the cheese factor is turned to 10 with the set-up of the film; two kids are orphaned when their parents die tragically and must move in… wait for it… with their aunt and uncle who own a run-down Christmas-themed amusement park slash gas station* in Florida.
*Superfluous, you say? No. This detail becomes important and is crucial — crucial, I say to the entire picture’s success.
Beware… from here on out spoilers abound.
They’re both immediately popular at their new high school and they help out with repairs around the run-down sparsely attended theme park.
But sometimes the attention is unwanted…
Lori Loughlin becomes the object of desire for an entire group of misfit creeps lead by James Spader.
Anyhow, after she rebuffs their (numerous) unwanted advances… things get violent and strange. The first act is not indicative of the utter insanity that follows.
I don’t want to spoil anything too greatly.
Inept law enforcement. James Spader’s decorative mediaeval weaponry. Eric Stoltz good guyin’. Track and field antics. Plentiful graffiti. Car-keying. Animal blood smeared on faces. Vicious pit bull antics. “Gasoline fight!” Bumper car blowout. Every teen in town has a shotgun. Urinal sneak attacks. The largest crowd for a parking lot fist fight ever assembled. James Spader snorting cocaine. A martial arts-infused, one-armed push-up montage. A clearly unsupervised school dance where making out and drinking are tolerated openly.
That’s right. Just when things are down… you know there’s a montage.
The third act truly must be seen to be believed as the entire thing goes down in an amusement park slash gasoline station:
This isn’t even a quarter of the chaotic madness that ensues.
Following the wild success of Friday the 13th in 1980, Sean S. Cunningham directed a Mary Higgins Clark adaptation called a Stranger is Watching — then did a wild genre shift to comedy in 1983’s Spring Break. Well, with 1985’s The New Kids — I think he made what may well be his unsung masterpiece.
In addition to the magnetic performances from Loughlin and Spader… Eric “I was briefly Marty McFly” Stoltz and genre veteran Tom motherfuckin’ Atkins show up.
Currently streaming on Amazon Prime.
I loved watching this movie. I can almost guarantee you will, too.
The search is over. This is a semi-forgotten classic teen horror-thriller.
Full price. Buy it. Watch it again and again. Share it with friends. A classic picture.
Recommendations for further viewing: Fear (1996), Freeway (also 1996), Massacre at Central High (1976), Westworld (1973)