Debating hypotheticals from the movie world is a classic Dollar Theater pastime. I was a big fan of World Wide Web Fights back when they would do weekly debates over such pop culture competitions, and their model seems to be ideal. Last week, Pat and I had a conversation about golf-related cinema so thorough and knowledgeable that I thought I should share it here on our blog. Please post comments below if you’ve got any contributions to the discussion.
Tony
Who wins if a Noonan/McGavin team takes on a Smails/Gilmore team?
Pat
Well, logic would have Noonan/McGavin because McGavin only chokes at the VERY end, whereas Gilmore is all over the map, and Smails is a cheater and would likely get them disqualified–Shooter NEVER cheats.
Tony
Smails also played a great round at the end of Caddyshack, AND he’s got the Billy Baroo–and Gilmore DID defeat McGavin.
Pat
Yeah, but Smails and Happy would get into a fistfight by hole 12–he also would hate Happy’s STYLE and VIBE.
Tony
Hmm. You make a GREAT point, because in this hypothetical, it’d be a Pro-Am tourney–EXACTLY like Gilmore/Barker…and we know how that ended.
Pat
Yes.
Tony
And you’re right: Happy is a SLOB, Smails is a SNOB. Oil and water.
Pat
Shooter & Noonan would bond…and Shooter might even CONVERT Noonan to be a yuppie.
Tony
They’re both Irish!
Pat
Shooter also FAMOUSLY bought Happy’s Grandma’s house. He can obviously afford to hook Danny up with a caddy scholarship.
Tony
Yeahhhhhhhh…or just PAY HIS WAY: “Make this putt, and I’ll make it worth your WHILE.”
Pat
Bingo. This seems like a NO BRAINER.
Tony
Well, another logical pairing is Noonan/Gilmore vs Smails/McGavin, but that’s too obvious.
Pat
That’s way too obvious. That’s 2 winners vs 2 losers.
Tony
Alternatively, you could do ‘Shack vs HG, but then you’ve got 2 amateurs against two pros.
Pat
I dunno, I think ‘Shack is gonna outgolf Happy Gilmore.
Tony
No! McGavin is a legit PRO and a star. Smails is…an old man.
Pat
What about Ty Webb + ? Ty NEVER misses…he’s almost TOO GOOD.
Tony
See, I think you can’t put Ty into this, because let’s face it…he CHOKED against Smails/Beeper. But I think we CAN agree that Ty’s Eastern philosophy, plus Al Czervik’s technology, gives any Noonan team a boost–though it might be countered equally by Chubbs’s mentorship (that extends beyond the grave?) which would help a Gilmore team.
Pat
In this scenario do they play at Bushwood, or at another locale? Because that could determine some things for me.
Tony
Pro-Am tourney AT Bushwood.
Pat
Hmmm. Okay, well, you have the Spackler factor, because that gopher might still be around…and there’s a good chance that the entire course goes up in flames. Also, does Brian Doyle-Murray officiate?
Tony
DiNunzio is probably SOMEBODY’S caddy.
Pat
And is it raining? As we knowwww lightning strikes HARD on that course.
Tony
Well, hold on. Let’s go back to Spackler’s explosives. They HELPED Noonan make a putt he would have otherwise missed. BUT interference like that not only DIDN’T impede Gilmore, it may have HELPED him MAKE that putt at the end.
Pat
Right.
Tony
So….I call that a Push. Now, since this is a legit Pro-Am, I feel like Brian Doyle-Murray is NOT around. He’s merely in charge of the caddies and betting on the outcome…causing the price of Coke to fluctuate wildly in the caddy shack.
Pat
But WAIT–ANOTHER FACTOR: Noonan will have Moose and Rocko as MUSCLE.
Tony
BUT…Gilmore has MR. LARSON. So, again, canceled out. Also… Shooter has a certain “YOU SUCK, JACKASS” guy.
Pat
Canceled out by LOUDMOUTH AL and his party girls…and WANG.
Tony
And Journey!
Pat
All right…I guess I have to assume Happy is going to take this then…Happy/Shooter.
Tony
To me, the biggest unanswerable question is: who would win, a non-fucked-up Ty Webb, or Noonan? Ty routinely shot 4-under par at Bushwood, which might be pro-quality. If Noonan is BETTER, that drastically changes things for ‘Shack vs. HG…but if he’s not, or merely equal, then I dunno.
Pat
I think Noonan bows to his semi-mentor and forfeits. At the same time…Ty intentionally shanks a few, because he can’t take competition seriously.
Tony
Ty could hit the green on a par-3 blindfolded, while Noonan would put it ‘right in the lumber yard.’
Pat
Yes.
Tony
Maybe Noonan ONLY thrives under pressure. He beat DiNunzio in the caddy tournament, and he beat Smails/Beeper with big money on the line.
Pat
Ty’s putting game though…na na na na na.
