After a small earthquake occurs, flesh-eating fish emerge from a whirlpool. It’s Spring Break. Boozed up, college-aged individuals are engaged in various debaucherous activities. You know what that means… it’s Halloween movie #19 — Piranha 3D.
Things, of course, take a turn for the massacre.
The original Piranha from 1978 — a film directly looking to capitalize on Jaws — was one of my favorites as a kid so I had to check this out. In terms of remakes/reboots, this is the rare film that pays homage and becomes its own thing. There are five films in this franchise for a reason. That reason? Embracing schlock and camp with a huge shit-eating grin.
It’s a campy horror flick. It’s a silly comedy flick. It succeeds (mostly) at balancing the two tones.
The good news:
Everyone knows exactly what movie they signed up for and they are fully on board.
The action, set-ups, and payoffs are all at the hands of Alexandre Aja — helmer of the 2003’s pointlessly violent film High Tension and the 2006 (also pointlessly ultra-violent) Hills Have Eyes remake.
The gore, once again, is totally pointless.
The nudity is framed like a European art film.
There’s an underwater choreographed water ballet for absolutely no purpose set to the “Flower Duet” from Lakmé that in another film might be confused as having some larger socio-political message.
Here the ‘message’ is best summed up by a character in the film:
“This is what spring break is all about… beer, sun, and naked honeys making out underwater.” -thespian Jerry O’Connell
This movie dials up the chuckles (and eye rolls) and we finally get to see the director do something he really didn’t get to do on the other pictures… he seems to be having a good time.
This film’s got it all, even when you’re not asking for it:
Tequila body shots. Boats. Jet-skis. Shotguns. Swimming. Ex-marine biologists moonlighting as pet store owners. Vomit. Face-eating. Copious lagoon shots. Piranha lore involving their survival being based on cannibalism. Feet getting cut on rocks, drawing blood — and the attention of wink-at-the-camera piranha. The worst of every indulgence of 2010 fashion on full display.
Definitely one of the larger pool/swimming-party based bloodbaths captured on film since Nightmare on Elm Street II: Freddy’s Revenge:
The cast is kind of wild:
80s mega-star Elisabeth Shue, Adam Scott, Jerry O’Connell, Ving Rhames, Christopher Lloyd (Doc Brown from Back to the Future), Richard Dreyfuss, adult film performer Riley Steele, and director Eli Roth all make appearances.
Dreyfuss reprises his role as Matt Hooper from Jaws (1975) in all-but-name…
The ingredients are all there for this to be an all-time horror-comedy, but it doesn’t quite get there.
The bad news:
I didn’t get to catch it in its 3D, so I can’t toss off an assessment of that tech.
However: the CG hasn’t aged… particularly well… which I think is going to be a major problem with the mid-aughts to present motion pictures.
The heavy reliance on fleeting impressive VFX shots vs an investment in physical effects will continue to take their toll on movies like this and their ability to age. Perhaps opening weekend and streaming audiences are more forgiving. But time will be a cruel, cold mistress to such lazy films.
Piranha 3D’s soundtrack has aged about as terribly as the VFX shots — when bad EDM isn’t being played… it’s nothing but wall-to-wall awful overproduced gloss pop.
Remember LMFAO?
Surprise, they’re best forgotten!
Anyhow… the 89 minutes fly by.
It’s no Lake Placid, but it’s miles above any installment of Sharknado or its ilk.
This year’s The Meg would have benefited from paying tribute to the B-movies of yesteryear and tastefully embracing blood, guts, and buxom bodies.
Is this film woke or respectful in any way? Absolutely not. And it was made 8 years ago.
Is it entertaining? You know it.
Piranha 3D was followed by a film called Piranha 3DD (double D)… there’s a little too much wink for me in that title so I doubt I’ll be checking it out.
But perhaps you will or have! Let me know if I’m missing something!
Currently streaming on Netflix.
One big old dollar.
Recommendations for further viewing:
Orca: The Killer Whale (1977), The Shallows (2016), Deep Blue Sea (1999), Piranha (1978)